Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.
~Charlotte Joko Beck
In my last post I said that my daughter, Meghan, inherited my Mom's personality. Mom was not exactly "church material," however. She liked to smoke, drink, cuss, watch raunchy movies, and didn't like anyone telling her what to do. Mom's hero was Cher, because Cher did what she wanted, said what she wanted, and didn't care what anyone thought about it. My step-father, Bud, finally got my Mom to go to church, and when I found out that it was a Southern Baptist Church, I knew it wouldn't last. One Sunday the minister preached against women laying out to get tans. That was it for Mom. She loved laying out in the sun. I remember growing up Mom taking me and my best friend, Ricky, down to "the sandbar," the shore of the White River, so we could swim while Mom laid in the sun, tanning with her favorite, homemade, tanning oil: half baby lotion, half Iodine, in one of my step-father's empty whiskey bottles. Mom was always extremely tanned in the summers, very dark. She decided that this minister "does not like women," and she never went to church again. My daughter inherited my Mom's independent spirit and problem with authority. I inherited Mom's problem with authority as well.
This is why my heroes have always been the somewhat rebellious, smarmy, wise-cracking characters: James Garner's Brett Maverick character, Bruce Willis' John McClain of the Die Hard movies, M*A*S*H's Hawkeye Pierce, and my favorite of all, Dr. Johnny Fever of WKRP in Cincinnati. Being a minister and a "responsible, dependable" worker, I can follow the rules, but I do so with a cavalier, smarmy attitude. But hit me over the head with the rules, and I'll show you how many of them I can break. And as for telling me what to think--excuse me, I have a functional IQ. I don't need anyone telling me what to think. Needless to say, I have a love/hate relationship with the religiously Conservative circle that I am a part of.
From my Dad I got my physical build (big gut and no butt), his love for futuristic inventions, and off-the-wall sense of humor. My wife, Teresa, said that she never understood me until she met my Dad. I'm a sci-fi lover (HUGE Star Trek freak) and a fan of Will Farrel, Steve Martin, and Mel Brooks comedy. Whenever I'm sick, Talladega Nights, Dodge Ball, The Jerk, Young Frankenstein, or Blazing Saddles can always make me feel better.
Now, for me, this is all the fun stuff I inherited, and as you can probably tell, it is the stuff that I really enjoy. But we also inherit stuff from The Dark Side of our parents.
I inherited my Dad's cranky-ness,. Actually, all the men in my family turned out to be cranky old men. Negativity and judgementalism is something that I fight against. It is easy for me to go to the "worst possible outcome" scenario when something happens. If I don't watch myself, I can go around thinking cranky, negative thoughts which puts me in a crabby mood that comes out suddenly when my wife says something, I snap at her, and she responds with, "Where did that come from? Why are you in such a bad mood?" Even though I may respond with, "Well, it's your fault because you said (or did) such-and-such," the truth is, I had myself in a bad mood because of my negative thoughts. I can go around griping and grumbling with really no one to blame but my own mind. Age is not helping!
I also inherited my Mom's proneness to chemicals. Mom was a chain smoker, alcoholic, and heavy-duty prescription drug addict. Actually, all of this ran in her family. We called her sister, Virginia, the Tranquilizer Queen. Her speech was always slow and slurred. Chemical abuse flows through my Mom's side of the family like a river. When I was in my early 30's, I had to have oral surgery, and that's when I found out that I inherited from my Mother a proneness for narcotics. The surgeon said that the mild dose of Valium had me too relaxed, and the numbing shots took effect in half the time they should have. Even though that evening I was in terrible pain, the doctor told my wife, "There's no way I'm giving him a narcotic pain reliever. He's too prone to narcotics. I don't want him getting addicted."
But early in life I began to wonder: are we predestined by what we have inherited from our parent's Dark Side? Are our lives programmed by it? Was I "destined" to repeat the sins of my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles?
Anyone who lives with me can tell you that I still battle crabbyness and negativity. "Shit" is one of my favorite words, and as far as I'm concerned, there's a lot of it in life that I have to put up with. When it comes to negative thoughts, I can go to the Dark Side easily and quickly. But I remember my Mom referring to her Dad as, "that mean old man." I made the decision that I am not going to be another, typical Crabby Old Man in my family. It's up to me. I can take on the family baggage and wear it like a mantle, or I can decide to dump it in the desert where it belongs, and travel light. I am what I think, and I don't want to think negative and crabby. Years ago I determined to think more positively and live with less fear. And I can be a bit self-involved and distant. My wife is good at bringing me out of that.
As for chemical addiction, I made that decision when I was very young. I have only taken vitamins and health supplements during my adulthood. I have never been on any prescribed medication. I drink very moderately and enjoy a good cigar only once a year. As a result, I am the healthiest person I know of in my family.
I have also stopped the family cycle of racial prejudice. However, I have my own brand of prejudices, it turns out.
When it comes to what we inherit, cycles can be broken. We can choose to have something stop with our generation. "It stops here! With me!" And in doing so, I think we honor our parents and grandparents by emulating what we enjoy and admire about them, not what we feel doomed to repeat.
Who are parents and grandparents are, or were, always goes with us during our travel through life. It is a blessing, and can be a curse. It's up to us. As for me, I want to be the smarmy, easy-going, laid-back guy.
It's a matter of what we decide to do with what we've been given.
Your Fellow Traveler,
~Steve
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